Large groups of people make me shrivel back into myself like an old man's penis.
One of two things happen. I either say nothing at all or what does manage to come out of my mouth makes people look at me like I've just wet myself. Before you start thinking I'm a complete social retard, I'm not. Sometimes I'm actually ok, but as a general life rule, I just don't do small talk well. And in the instances I'm under performing, the following happens.
Let's pretend I'm in a scenario where I'm running around holding up alphabet letters while being filmed. I'm with a big group of people who seem to say funny quips straight away rather than thinking of them half an hour later. These people are 'extraverted'. Now people who are loud and have 'high levels of outer excitement' make me sleepy. And the bouncier they get, the more unenthusiastic I become. It's like I have to balance out the situation. Most of the time, I end up having to use my back up energy sources for fake laughter. Then I have to remember to keep my lips from curling into bitch face in between the good humored ha ha's. This leaves me running at -24 and needing a nap.
Now let's move to the second scenario when I'm shriveling out of my penis and going into saggy old man's balls scenario (I believe either one of the two happens when you get older, please correct me if I'm wrong) i.e small talk. Now, I've mentioned this problem a few times, but I have a new scenario I thought I'd share.
I recently had a job interview where my mouth decided to take the mic. Usually when this happens I have absolutely no idea what's going to come out.
Important man: So, er, how was your weekend?
Me: I bought an iron [oh god, I think I was supposed to talk about films or something]
Ha. I haven't ironed in four years. Ha. But I have a pair of 'fun pants' that need ironing so I had to give in. Ha. [brain, abort]
Yeah and do you know you can get an iron from Argos for £3? Ha, I can't believe I waited this long. Ha ha ha [abort, abort]
So now I'm an ironer, ha.
[abort signal accepted]
I think it went well.
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3 comments:
I love knowing that at some point in writing this entry you mentally visualised old man genitals.
The next time I shrivel in front of people I'll have that image to contend with as well. Where did I put that mental bleach? Oh yeah, here it is right next to the gin...
I always think of old men's genitals. I think it's most comforting.
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