Go getter

My name is Vanessa and I partake in the minimum amount required for me to get by in life. There, I said it. I’m not particularly proud of this, but it’s been with me most of my life. Actually, to be more accurate, I teeter smack bang in the middle of bulldog passion and couch potato ambition. I kind of think this is worse because it’s like my school reports used to say, I have potential, it’s just whether I bother living up to it. Every so often, I get a kick in the arse which means I try harder. Quite predictably, it pays off in my favour. If only I felt the need to try harder more often because quite comfortably, I’m an inherently lazy person and I bask in the beauty of my ideas rather than the results of my actions.

How to you find that motivation to fill up empty words?

Because I’ve spent 27 years with myself, I know when I’m going to do something and when I’m not. Therefore, I’m quite selective with what I say I’m going to do. The phrase ‘gonna’ and the often resulting white noise of forthcoming non-action irritates the shit out of me. So even though I’m a’ gonna’ in my head, I try not to live like one. But, perhaps I’m getting better. I undoubtedly have the motivation to visit all of the countries I desire and most of the time, socially, I visit all the exhibitions, performances and restaurants I want. So I guess my problem is mainly professionally. Like most, I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. I often go through freak out attacks of conscience where I find it hard to justify my crust. Do I:

Contribute to the greater good ? Nope.
How about partially contribute to the greater good? Ha, are you kidding?
Um, the environment? – Nooo.
Make people buy stuff they don’t need? Bingo, now you’re talking!

The thing is, I go to work and do something that I’m reasonably good at and mostly enjoy, and if you can find that in life, you’re doing pretty well. I lied before when I said I didn’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m pretty sure I know what I want, yet I find it extremely difficult to motivate myself to take the measures, the very small baby steps, to get there. I’d like to say I’m scared of rejection or some bullshit like that, but I’m afraid I’m just lazy and easily distracted, which is frankly, quite pathetic.