Five minutes ago, as I walked to the toilet, it occurred to me that I was walking really oddly. As I thought about it some more and suffered various walking flashbacks, I realised: I have a work walk. AND IT’S WEIRD. Imagine, if you care to, a really upright body, swingy arms and then power walking technique legs. I don’t understand how this has come about, I don’t walk like this in normal life, at least, I don’t think I do. Or do I? It’s like my body is trying to exude some kind of exterior professionalism to make up for my day to day lack of pizzazz. Or perhaps it’s to absorb some of the impact of the wooden flooring thus helping to prevent whiplash of the poor pervs turning around at the sound of female footsteps, hoping for a hot account handler and instead getting ROBOT WOMAN.
Must find new job in a carpeted place.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 07, 2010
A theory
I have a theory that I'm actually five years younger than I really am. Perhaps my mother got confused and it wasn't really 1981 when I was born. Perhaps she got knocked in the head while peeling a potato (she likes potatoes) and lost a couple of years. Or perhaps it was 1986 while she was peeling the potato and WHAM, got hit and then thought it was 1981. All I can say is that something isn't right. I am stunted.
Do you ever speak to someone, giggle when they say something like 'large box' and then realise they are a. an adult and b. younger than you? I constantly feel like a child and I don't know when this will ever stop. Adults know stuff. They know what certain trees are, how to get stains out of things and know about bank loans. I don't think my child is ever going to say to me 'mummy, can you name all of the actors from Beverly Hills 90210?' (the original version) and then look at me with that child-like wonder when I have answered his or her question successfully despite it being twenty years since I watched the show.
My friends are having or have already had kids and it makes me feel weird. Not weird in a bad way, more weird in a detatched way. Sure, it's geographical, I guess it's also partly because when I think about them, I think of them as teenagers. I think of how my mum would get worried about me getting in the car with them and now they're mothers themselves. It must be strange for mothers to see their children have children. I think it's more in a HA way than a 'my baby has had a baby way'. Because really, it's a cycle of payback. Whatever shit you gave to your parents, your children will quadruple it. I guess part of the weirdness is also because I left my friends in a certain way and I remember them in a certain way. It's strange because you put memories of people in boxes in your brain, but of course, life moves at an amazing speed and nothing ever stays the same. But that, of course, is not such a bad thing.
So in conclusion, I am stunted but this has been a pattern throughout my life. By the time I turned 18 and 21 the season of parties had long gone and by the time I could get my licence, I had missed the swatting up of road signs at lunchtime. Therefore, the ways of adulthood will come but not just yet. Thank fuck because I'd hate to have to buy booties over necessities like Mexican wrestling masks.
Do you ever speak to someone, giggle when they say something like 'large box' and then realise they are a. an adult and b. younger than you? I constantly feel like a child and I don't know when this will ever stop. Adults know stuff. They know what certain trees are, how to get stains out of things and know about bank loans. I don't think my child is ever going to say to me 'mummy, can you name all of the actors from Beverly Hills 90210?' (the original version) and then look at me with that child-like wonder when I have answered his or her question successfully despite it being twenty years since I watched the show.
My friends are having or have already had kids and it makes me feel weird. Not weird in a bad way, more weird in a detatched way. Sure, it's geographical, I guess it's also partly because when I think about them, I think of them as teenagers. I think of how my mum would get worried about me getting in the car with them and now they're mothers themselves. It must be strange for mothers to see their children have children. I think it's more in a HA way than a 'my baby has had a baby way'. Because really, it's a cycle of payback. Whatever shit you gave to your parents, your children will quadruple it. I guess part of the weirdness is also because I left my friends in a certain way and I remember them in a certain way. It's strange because you put memories of people in boxes in your brain, but of course, life moves at an amazing speed and nothing ever stays the same. But that, of course, is not such a bad thing.
So in conclusion, I am stunted but this has been a pattern throughout my life. By the time I turned 18 and 21 the season of parties had long gone and by the time I could get my licence, I had missed the swatting up of road signs at lunchtime. Therefore, the ways of adulthood will come but not just yet. Thank fuck because I'd hate to have to buy booties over necessities like Mexican wrestling masks.
Monday, November 01, 2010
A realisation. Of what, I'm not sure.
Tonight I was trying to insert a rather large lemon up my chicken's ass. It took so much effort that I actually grunted and had to use both my body weight as well as the wall to get that sucker in.
This is how I imagine childbirth to be. Except obviously reversed.
This is how I imagine childbirth to be. Except obviously reversed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
