Going offline with mackerel

I was in a meeting today where buzz words were shot from this one man's mouth like spittle from an old folks home.

For the first 15 minutes of the meeting I was completely lost on what the fuck he was talking about. He showed numerous charts that I forced myself to read in the hope that I could understand why I was there and being subjected to watching my life slip away. Sadly, nothing registered in the mature side of my brain, so I instead busied myself pretending we were all fish living in the deep sea, communicating through warbles and waiting for some plankton to drift into our mouths. When I become bored of that, I tried to listen again. And boy, what a treat that was. Spotting a post-it pad on the table, I began to take notes. Readers, I'm sorry for my fish fantasy, who knows what kind of gold I missed.

But in order of delivery, here are my notes:

'We need a visual mnemonic" (I had to look up the definition as I could only recite the Keanu Reeves movie with this name)

"We have brand schizophrenia" (HA!)

"Communication stimulous" (I'm thinking some kind of Powerpoint presentation gang bang here)

"We need proof of brand life" (I'm losing MY life here)

"On a macro level" (I wrote 'mackerel' in the meeting but I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking fish)

"Let's complete the loop here" (If you say so cowboy)

"We want to create linear experiences" (Jesus)

"Make it granular" (One teaspoon or two?)

And finally, my favourite:

"Let's say we have four animals. Let's club one and call it three"

GAAAAAAAAH.

God that tickled me. What a dick. That tops the time I was made to write 'def con one' on a client/agency communication piece for a client who quite smartly never read his email and needed a 'trigger' word for emergencies.

My funny bone is pissing itself at the moment.