I constantly have battles in my head. Like, should I wear this extremely impractical, yet fashionable belt that is going to inevitably give me a stomachache due to tightness? Answer = yes. Or, can I actually wait until I've eaten lunch before I eat this white chocolate/brownie cheesecake? Answer = hell no. But I guess digging a little deeper, I find myself in the raging battle of age versus expectations.
I think people, well most of my friends and I, have this simmering pressure of how our life should be by the time we are 30. I feel a little less pressure living away from Australia, but if I lived in Adelaide, where my most of my friends are shacked up, using their birthing canals and owing the banks copious amounts of money, I would be feeling very third wheel. Now life in Adelaide is by no means bad, and I'm definitely not being critical or meaning offense to my wonderful friends, but if this wasn't the life I wanted to lead, I'd find it very difficult being there.
So why 30? Who decided that this was the age we were to aim for when assessing life's goals thus far? Sure, thanks to our physical make up, women feel like the timer is going to go ding on our ovens immediately after blowing out our 30th candle, but the pressure some of us put on ourselves to tick off the boxes is pretty ridiculous. Oh, and just so we are clear, the boxes are as follows:
I've done it in a pretend conversation with my mother, complete with a Family Feud wrong answer bah-baw style for dramatic effect*
1. 'Vanessa, have you met a nice boy yet'? Bah-baw
2. 'Vanessa, the interest rates are going up, you really should think about getting yourself on the property ladder.' Bah-baw
3. 'Vanessa, when am I going to get some more grandchildren?' Bah-baw (can I note she already has 7 - frankly, she's getting a little greedy).
And in that order too.
Could I perhaps be so bold to suggest that this pressure to tick off at least one of the boxes, I think you can guess which, results in such a high rate of divorce??
The reason why I am torn is because I thought my life would be different. I expected to be more mature by now. Not to still laugh at all poo jokes however bad and the desire to go to Cockfosters lessen after a year of laughing at it, but it hasn't. Dammit, I still want my picture under that sign. I thought I would know what I wanted to do with my life.
I was brought up with this rough plan; school, university, good job, nice boy, marriage, house, babies = happiness. Sounds easy enough. Both my sisters have done it successfully and happily. But I had 4 months of clarity while travelling around the world. So now I'm completely tickless and having the time of my life. Sure, I didn't expect I would be where I am now, but it's an awesome surprise. The thing is, I still get the expectation guilts.
Ideally, I'd like to throw complete caution to the wind; quit my job, travel and see where I end up. I never want to hear myself say, 'I always wanted to do this but never did' or, 'that's just unrealistic'. But it's hard to completely release ourselves from our expectations, no matter how far we run from them.
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Once again a 'nail on the head' style posting from you V2 that I totally empathise and agree with (except the birthing canal bit cos I don't got me one of those).
Expectations of others and society (same thing) is the root of all evil on earth. It really is (and I'm not being philosophical). I think though that the 30 thing kind of comes ostensibly from the belief that it's harder biologically to use your birth canal in those years... but for reasons stated above I'm not really sure about that.
I think for men 30 is seen as a goalpost for having 'made something of yourself' career wise. Which if you juxtapose the two examples I've given it really highlights how society hasn't moved that far forward from the caveman days... and at the risk of the wrath of your largely female readership I would tentatively suggest is again an inbuilt biological programming... (and that in no way insinuates I expect women to stay home bake muffins and produce people with me... I'm just suggesting those who wrap themselves in the cloak of political correctness and 'causes' need to step back and think about shit for a few moments and see how hard they're fucking the earth up)
Hoo boy... I sense a shit storm coming from this...
Oh and Natalie Imbruglia has had like 3 or 4 albums mate... :-)
Hey there 'V2' ha.! Noice to see you're alive. I've taken to doing the odd 'Yodelaeehoo!' at Yoel and apparently its already trademarked to you..Kudos! So yeh, i completely empathise with the whole expectation pressure. I actually get quite jealous of people who find happiness in pursuing the: married by 30, kids, home and 40 years of monotony till death' mould. It's annoying how there doesn't seem to be a place for people who cant hack that..
Stew - Natalie had 1 hit. That's it. It doesn't constitute a greatest hits AT ALL.
Do you try and be sexist on purpose?! Could you not have included women in the career goalpost too?? Why do you also assume that I have a largely female readership? Perhaps I should do some readership stats....
I'm also not sure if political correctness is the cause for fucking up the earth, I could probably list a few other causes.
And yes, I totally realise I took the bait.
Shane, good to hear from you and to see you've adopted the Yoeldelling! I hope you're getting the tone and pitch right, it's seriously a fine art.
I guess the question is, why are you jealous? Is there anything to be jealous about if you're perfectly happy with what you're doing??
Um... no she had more than one hit...
Look it up. The country you now reside in LOVES her. She's had many successful singles in the UK spanning all three of her albums.
Thus it constitutes after 10 years of output a Greatest Hits CD.
And now. I don't try to be sexist. I calls it as I see it. I see the 30 barrier being difficult for the 2 sexes for those reasons GENERALLY. I'm not saying women don't have career goals. But they do have the clock ticking on the oven. Men don't. So for us, GENERALLY the clock ticking is making something of yourself in the career world.
I think political correctness is a big issue. The decision makers of the world/countries/workplaces are so wrapped up in catering to sensitivity that very little gets done. Look at the hole the world is sinking into (and I shit you not I am utterly convinced we're heading towards either a 3rd world war or a shitload of civil unrest/war) and tell me it's not the result of weak leadership.
My favourite bugbear 'religion' plays heavily into this...
Do you not honestly feel that if people just said what they thought/felt we wouldn't all be happier?? If you're insulted by something someone says.. then toughen the fuck up or shut the fuck up.
Sigh... this topic makes me so angry....
I know that this country loves her. I see her picture in the paper every day for arriving at some event and EVERY TIME I ask myself, 'what exactly has Natalie done?'
I think political correctness is an issue, but certainly not the scale you are hinting towards. Yes to religion causing monumental problems, no to saying 'fire people' as a catalyst for civil unrest.
I definitely think people would be happier if they just said what they thought. Especially in England. People are too pre occupied with being polite that we waste time talking in circles. It's such a waste of time. But then you start offending people which is what I tent to do. Anyway, despite people claiming they want to hear what people really think, when it comes to the crunch time, the truth often hurts.
BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!!!!
It’s difficult to know what the right path is Ness. I experience pangs of regret from time to time and the only salve is to promise myself that I will travel one day. Reading your blog provides some release by proxy, but in the end it’s probably just exacerbating the problem. I’m sure I’ve read and heard in half a dozen different contexts that we shouldn’t regret our decisions and we should live life to the full rah rah rah, but it’s normal and human to question our decisions isn’t it? That’s one of the things that sets us apart from the other animals inhabiting this planet. (Other important skills such as the ability to make chocolate, beer, wine and coffee also figure in my definition of “higher life form” – for want of a better term.) Which brings me to my second (clichéd) point. No doubt you’ve heard it before, but you really do owe the human race at least one offspring. It’s not the smart ones who a breeding up a storm.... There’s no real rush – friends of mine have just managed to squeeze two out in the latter half of (her) fourth decade. I concur with DWZ, that we-without-the-plumbing are in no position to comment on the relative physical ease or otherwise of early versus later childbearing. But the important thing is not to write yourself off in that department, just cos you’re nearly (OMG) 30! Another point I’d like to pick up on is that I’m pretty sure current research is showing a significant portion of the rising infertility rates and increasing reliance on assisted pregnancy (right around the world, not just in the “west”) can be attributed to the wrigglers (or lack of them) rather than the woman’s biological clock getting wound forward due to career/travel/whatever commitments. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I've gotta go. Ciao Bella.
that's what it was... Who's Natalie Imbruglia?
Be the change you want to see. What great advice! Thank you.
So do we constantly second guess ourselves because it's inbuilt in us that it's unacceptable to fail? Why is that such a dirty word? Despite our parents telling us they'll love us no matter what, we are still pretty harsh on ourselves. I can't work out why.
You do owe it to the human race to procreate. After all, that's what we were made for. Everything else is insignificant is I am going to be perfectly blunt. Actually, I missed something. Love. We are here to experience unconditional love, which I guess ties into children.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing myself off just yet, but as a femal, I guess it's something that slowly creeps from the back of your mind as you get older.
Check this out...
I went to a town called 'Three Cocks' the other week. I got a photo to add to my one out the front of 'The Famous Cock' pub.
Also, we stopped our hire car countless times to ask obliging Welsh people 'the best way to get to three cocks' HILARIOUS.
...oh yeah, for what it is worth I am 30 (soon), single, never been happier, happy to avoid serious relationships for the most trivial of reasons... (eg. she wasn't nice to a waitress... once).
Pretty sure that will all change by the time I am 35..or 40.
I'm pretty comfortable with the thought that I never fail. Most people write it off as arrogance, but I don't give a shit. What I do care about is disappointing people. If I upset or let down someone I care about then it bothers me...
Is that more what you're feeling V2? Rather than failing your mum by not producing your own people yet? I think FAIL is such a hard negative word that drags down so many people into depression.
I guess I'm saying if you approach it from an expectation point of view it's easier to discuss and resolve the feeling within your self. It's less black and white....
I think some of us are born to procreate. I wouldn't agree it's for everyone. There's definitely people who aren't meant to whether biologically or from a social standpoint. Which is why I'm kind of against 'lab babies' I guess when the time comes if me and my partner cant conceive I'd be disappointed, but it just (at this stage of my life) feels wrong to 'cheat' nature and force another child out...
If there was a god I'm sure it would be part of his machination to choose who does and doesn't... scientifically I'm sure there's reasons why 2 people can't breed... it's just not for everyone.
Love. Bah. Unconditional love comes from within. It's the only love you can ever be totally secure in and the only love that will let you give it to others...
Aren't you only like 25 V2?? What's the rush... you've got at least 10 years of easy production left i the factory and possibly a lot more after that....
Get out there. Drink. Dance. Shag. Be merry and travel. Forget this baby/man nonsense and LIVE... one thing I have learnt from all my child rearing friends is that you should get it all done before you do produce people, because once you do everything changes. Not for the worse, just changes.
HA - 3 cocks. That's brilliant!! Send me the photo!
No Stew, you mistake my musing. I don't feel that way at all. I definitely don't think I am failing my mum by not producing offspring yet. And loving yourself is something Oprah made up. You can be happy within, but love yourself? Can you honestly say that the love you would feel for a child or another person can be felt about yourself??!
I'm not 25, more like close to 27 and I know that's not old. But 10 more years of 'easy' baby making is actually not true, but that's a whole other discussion.
Can I just stress that I'm not worried about men/babies/houses and I'm doing a pretty good job of living life and having fun. I don't think I've hinted otherwise but you seem to have gotten the wrong impression....
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