Voice from the bowl

Here me speak! Yes, I’m thinking starting my own motivational roadshow. I will travel the globe, spreading the word of the V. I will have a large screen, showbags with pens bearing the V sign and perhaps people fainting at my feet.. I will go and inspire people to say yes, to go outside their comfort zone and just embrace life. I’ll go on to write my own book that will be available in audio, pictorial and Braille formats.

It started how all good stories do. With shit. Now this isn’t any old shit. It’s day old turd that has been floating in the female toilets at work. It then went on to involve me being a good Samaritan by warning Girl Crush at work of this toilet travesty. Then realising I was talking to Girl Crush about shit, I decided to compliment her. That very quickly progressed to me insulting her by asking if her ‘really nice scarf’ was from Topshop. Now, FYI, I find Topshop scarves ridiculously expensive. So it was meant as a compliment but she wet herself laughing (the kind of laughter where you join in because you feel you have to, and then stop because it’s weird you are laughing when it’s clear you have no idea why). Apparently it was a designer scarf, so I started doing some backtracking where I decided to insult myself to try and make up for it. Girl Crush is exotic hot. Stupidly stunning. And so, so chic. But unfortunately not that interesting. It’s ok, I forgive her though because she’s that beautiful. After she had composed herself I then somehow launched into my ‘I love life’ spiel. I don’t know where it came from, but it was like I had an audience. Girl Crush was actually looking impressed, dare I say, inspired. Sentences like ‘take each day as it comes’ and ‘you discover so much by taking yourself outside of your comfort zone’ were projectile vomiting out of my mouth. She stood there, mesmerised in the stinky toilet with the occasional whoosh of the passion fruit scent air freshener that served as the only interruption to my rant. When I finally came up for air, she said, and I quote directly ‘Wow, Vanessa, I’m feeling really inspired’.

I think I may resign tomorrow after I’ve found my Winnabago and loudspeaker.