Schizo movie watching

Sometimes when I read books with certain speech dialects or nuances, I begin thinking in my head like them. So tonight I've just seen the weirdest movie, There Will Be Blood. It has affected my brain a little and now I'm talking like a turn of the century American oil man.

Like, 'come sit with me'. 'Fine, I'll take bread'.

That's all I can remember.

I don't have anything else so say other than I saw a Boost Juice today and it was almost as good as snow day. Not quite, but almost.

This writing everyday is hard. This post is crap. Sorry.

I don't really have anything of value to say

But I need to write something.

I need to because I'm lazy.
Because I sometimes hate my meaningless job and need to use one of my few skills for something that doesn't involve tv's or phones or shoes.
I need to because it makes me better, and I need to be better.
I hate that work has made the phrase 'be better' into something that makes me want to have a little vom in my mouth.

So there, that's something.

Could have, would have. Didn't know.

The reoccurring thought/slight panic came back to me again the other day; have I missed my calling? Instead of it being on the ski fields and me being some kind of Olympic skier, this time it was while I was watching the Oscars. It came to me, quite startlingly, I could have been a cinematographer, a scout locater or even a documentary maker. Here I was, wasting my time with advertising, when I could be gallivanting around the globe looking for the perfect toilet for a Jackie Chan fight scene. It's so unfair that we're made to choose what we want to do for life at 16/17; an age where I still actually harbored some kind of hope for marrying Dean Cain. I know, I know, I'm still young, but the thought of starting again when I've only just begun is daunting and un motivating. But I think about the things we could of tried and dreamed about earlier on if we had been made more aware of them when we were more willing to try, no matter what.

19 more and 6 months to go

I'm pleased to report that thus far, I have done the following:

1. Bake some biscuits
- oat apricot and coconut, ANZAC, choc chip. I've been very bakey. If I was a guy who liked milky, motherly woman who baked, I'd totally go for me. Except I'm neither milky or motherly.

4. Go on a holiday with Luke
- booked so I think it counts

5. Read a classic
- almost finished Catcher in the Rye. Booya - I've been using that word a lot today, along with kapow. I think I might be channeling Fidycent and Batman.

10. Write some letters to people
- one sent, one written, two in mind

17. Do another bedroom art project
- hello world map

21. Be a good bridesmaid
- I very tactfully tried to suggest alternative options today. I realise sometimes I'm not very tactful so I checked with people first to test my 'tone'.

22. Go to Essex
- done, fun and saw the err, beach, at Southend. Wooooooooer.

24. Try to (ha!) get better at drawing
- I've done a few postit note drawings. They are still at 7 year old child level. I am embracing it as my 'personal style'.

March is the new January

I think I need to start things over. As usual, I'm as slow as a fat feedee eating a vegetable to work out why. So let me break it down, street style. I'd add some kind of hip buzz word I learned recently but because I suffer from being both slow and as un brain spongy as our kitchen cloth that hasn't been changed for months, I can't and won't. I like listing things, so here are my petty and insignificant problems in no particular order:

1. I have a severe lack of friends - looooooooser.
2. I'm not enjoying work - fucking credit crunch
3. I'm feeling a bit less wondrous about my usual London activities - am I becoming a dried up, cynical Londoner?

Now don't get me wrong I am:

1. Not wanting to go home
2. Giddily happy despite the afore mentioned problems
3. Can't think of a third but I wanted the two lists to be complementary

Instead of actually telling people how I was feeling, I adopted the stiff British upper lip and decided to try and keep it in. Ok, I'm lying. Like I can ever not over share. It was more like I hadn't actually worked out what was wrong (see first paragraph). But then as soon as I told everyone, as in about 6 people, I started to feel better.

I'm into changing each year to make it better than the last and I guess over the last couple of months, I haven't known what to do with this one. I guess the difference with this year is that London feels even more like home and more in the sense that there is routine, there are roots, there are bills. I also feel like I'm trapped in a job that is making me feel like I'm treading water because of the stupid economy. I'm just not as starry eyed about London despite still loving it. I guess I just miss that wonder that it first gave me.

But enough of that analysing shit. If London is feeling like home, maybe I should be embracing that. Maybe I'll actually buy another set of sheets so I have two! Maybe even commit to a phone plan. Ok, I have hardly any of the original OZ/NZ 07-08 crew here. Fine. Maybe I should actually make more of an effort to make some English friends. I can fully assimilate. Yes, having mindless arguments about customer journeys and being in meetings where people actually use phrases like 'let me just post fit that in' is making me want to stab myself in my eye with the closest possible blunt object. However, I can use my brain outside work and I should be using it. So to start, I'm going to blog everyday this week. It may be boring, but it will be words on a page.

If there were two me's I'd totally be chest bumping myself.

Hack

Does anyone else feel like a complete hack sometimes? Is it just my job or does hackism and self doubt span further than the shallow world of advertising?

Some days I feel like I'm on fire. I am a writing machine. But that's only sometimes. If they were doing a survey of dentists like on the Colgate ads (except obviously they wouldn't be interviewing dentists - derr), the voice over would read 'did you know that Vanessa is mediocre four out of five working days?'. Is it ok to know and be ok with the fact you're just ok at your job? Do people who are brilliant at things know that they brilliant? Probably. So I guess I'm not.

Is it a defeatist attitude to be mediocre? Or is it a result of things coming too easy to our generation so if something's hard, we just give up and try something else? Who knows. I'm driven to try because I'm stubborn and competitive, rather than passionate. I don't think I want to be brilliant for the right reasons so maybe that's why I never will be. I can't work out whether it's a smart thing to be ambivalent about ambition or just, I don't know, lazy. Sometimes I think a lack of ambition equates to happiness because you fill your life with more things that just your career. You have a better balance in your life, you put more energy into other, more important things. Other times, I think it's just an excuse for not trying. Some days, I think the only thing that tips me above average is because I can't reconcile which one I am.

Update

I'm very pleased with the mascara purchase. The brush is everything it the advertising said it would be. I even slept with it on last night and woke up with my lashes clumped together. Quality. 200% thicker overnight.