An old school friend killed herself a couple of days ago, which, as you can imagine, is shocking, sad and, well, just plain shit.
As much as I bullshit about how I'm getting old, this was a reminder of how young I am and she was and how much more she life she still had in her. To think of how sad and desperate she would have felt that she had no other choice to end her life is just unimaginable and unbearable.
It's surreal being so far from a bad, sad or disastrous situation. You feel detached and helpless. And even though there is nothing I can do, all I want to do is teleport myself home and just see people. Just for a second. I simply want to remind myself that you are all still there. It's like I can physically feel the distance in my chest when I truly stop, think and feel sad. I yearn to see my school friends now, to bridge that ten years we've just had and go back to when the future wasn't so hazy and parts of us hadn't yet been broken.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Why London
That's what I've been thinking lately.
My 'I love London' moments have become less and less frequent recently and I can't put my finger on why. Everything is great, so surely I can't be over it yet? The thing is, most people get the urge to 'go home', mine is more like, 'where to next?' At the moment it's like I'm at a really good party, I'm still having fun but I feel the urge to leave before it gets really crap and I end up seeing 50 year old Uncle Chester groping a 17 year old on the dance floor. By the way, I'm not sure why my otherwise happening party turned into some weird family reunion type event during the course of a sentence.
So where to next? That is the million Pound, US, Euro, AUD question for my itchy, non tinea infected feet. I'm comfortable and I don't want to be. If I wanted to opt for comfort, I'd do it in a place where I didn't have to catch germ infected transportation for an hour everywhere I went and where the weather was better. I'm feeling a bit frustrated. Surely there's more to this thing that is my adventure. Because I don't know what I want to do, I'm waiting for something to happen, albeit magically, as it usually does. But I want it now. I feel like stamping my feet and throwing a tanty at fate or whatever the hell it is that chooses shit like this.
Ever since I started travelling I find it hard to sit still. Is this my life? One where I'm always on the search for something new? Of course, it's not such a bad thing. In fact, it's kind of exciting. I decided the other day that I would try and do something that made me uncomfortable every day. Then, of course, I forgot about it, but now I've remembered, perhaps I'll actually do it. But let's not go into anything blindly, the chance of it happening/me remembering are slim to none. It's kind of like the time I decided I was going to smile everyone at the tube everyday. Sooooo didn't happen. Actually, the last time I smiled at someone on the tube was when I was trying to take my cardigan off but had too many bags containing food to hold. There was a guy standing opposite me who had his hand out in a gesturing type pose. Now, he may or may not have offered to hold my bag for me. He didn't actually use any words per say but he had his hand out and he looked eager. So I gave it to him. Then I smiled. I'm still not sure if he was actually offering or not.
Speaking of blind people, I went to the most amazing restaurant last week. It's a restaurant where you eat in the dark and you have no idea what it is you're eating. And when I say dark, I mean a pitch black. The waiters and waitresses are all blind and while I don't for a second understand what it is to be blind, you get, for an hour and a half, a glimpse into their world. From the menu, you chose between surprise anything, meat, vegetarian and fish. I chose 3 courses of anything and it was one of the best meals I've had in a while. The first course was duck pancakes, main ostrich and venison and for dessert, mango pudding and a berry parfait. I ended up eating with my fingers. I'd pay anything to see what we all looked liked stuffing ourselves with our hands. I even licked my bowl after the dessert and then stuck my finger up at everyone just cause I could. Yes, I am totally mature.
Hmm, I've tired myself out now with this frantic typing. Plus I've worked another 10.5 hour day being all 'eager'. So, night!
My 'I love London' moments have become less and less frequent recently and I can't put my finger on why. Everything is great, so surely I can't be over it yet? The thing is, most people get the urge to 'go home', mine is more like, 'where to next?' At the moment it's like I'm at a really good party, I'm still having fun but I feel the urge to leave before it gets really crap and I end up seeing 50 year old Uncle Chester groping a 17 year old on the dance floor. By the way, I'm not sure why my otherwise happening party turned into some weird family reunion type event during the course of a sentence.
So where to next? That is the million Pound, US, Euro, AUD question for my itchy, non tinea infected feet. I'm comfortable and I don't want to be. If I wanted to opt for comfort, I'd do it in a place where I didn't have to catch germ infected transportation for an hour everywhere I went and where the weather was better. I'm feeling a bit frustrated. Surely there's more to this thing that is my adventure. Because I don't know what I want to do, I'm waiting for something to happen, albeit magically, as it usually does. But I want it now. I feel like stamping my feet and throwing a tanty at fate or whatever the hell it is that chooses shit like this.
Ever since I started travelling I find it hard to sit still. Is this my life? One where I'm always on the search for something new? Of course, it's not such a bad thing. In fact, it's kind of exciting. I decided the other day that I would try and do something that made me uncomfortable every day. Then, of course, I forgot about it, but now I've remembered, perhaps I'll actually do it. But let's not go into anything blindly, the chance of it happening/me remembering are slim to none. It's kind of like the time I decided I was going to smile everyone at the tube everyday. Sooooo didn't happen. Actually, the last time I smiled at someone on the tube was when I was trying to take my cardigan off but had too many bags containing food to hold. There was a guy standing opposite me who had his hand out in a gesturing type pose. Now, he may or may not have offered to hold my bag for me. He didn't actually use any words per say but he had his hand out and he looked eager. So I gave it to him. Then I smiled. I'm still not sure if he was actually offering or not.
Speaking of blind people, I went to the most amazing restaurant last week. It's a restaurant where you eat in the dark and you have no idea what it is you're eating. And when I say dark, I mean a pitch black. The waiters and waitresses are all blind and while I don't for a second understand what it is to be blind, you get, for an hour and a half, a glimpse into their world. From the menu, you chose between surprise anything, meat, vegetarian and fish. I chose 3 courses of anything and it was one of the best meals I've had in a while. The first course was duck pancakes, main ostrich and venison and for dessert, mango pudding and a berry parfait. I ended up eating with my fingers. I'd pay anything to see what we all looked liked stuffing ourselves with our hands. I even licked my bowl after the dessert and then stuck my finger up at everyone just cause I could. Yes, I am totally mature.
Hmm, I've tired myself out now with this frantic typing. Plus I've worked another 10.5 hour day being all 'eager'. So, night!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Home
And I'm coming home for Christmas. Now that it's booked and not quite paid for, I'm feeling really excited and I can't wait to see you all in 5 months time!
Like home, but not
Sorry, that's a dumb title but I've got nothing else.
So I went to a party last night and it was so weird. It was like I was in Adelaide. Nothing about it felt like London other than the mandatory conversations you have with people from Australia when they are living here. Let me enlighten you with the standard set:
How long have you been over here for?
Where in OZ are you from?
Where are you living?
Where do you work?
How long are you staying?
Sometimes the odd social commentary about the weather and how hard it is to make friends with English people is thrown in for good measure. Now, I'm not criticising because it's normal to ask these questions. I too participate in these conversations, hell, I even ask some of the questions, but it makes me want to seriously cringe and perhaps perform some kind of head smacking when I catch myself doing it. I am in London, this unbelievable cosmopolitan city and I socialise with almost all Australians. This party I went to last night was like being in a weird Adelaide 90's time warp. I was talking to a guy I used to know in high school and his friend when I worked out that his friend and I knew the same people. He actually recognised me from a photo that one of his friends put on facebook. I moved to get away from this shit. To put things into perspective, it's not always like this and it is actually seriously difficult to make 'local' friends here. English people even admit this as most of their friends are from uni days rather than when they moved to London and made new ones. Why? I have no idea.
On the other hand, I shouldn't be so critical because how often do you make new friends in Australia or go in search of them? We too are cliquey amongst our circle of high school and uni buddies. It's always nice to make new friends but we are probably all guilty just liking the ones we have and not being bother to seek out or include others.
To give you an update on my enthusiasm, I've actually been 'visible' at work this week without selling my soul too much. It's seriously ridiculous that being paired up with someone makes it look like you talk more, are enthusiastic and are more ingrained in your work, but it's true. Because I have been walking around with my art director and not at my desk, it's perceived that I'm out there making advertising magic happen (please, please, please pick up on my sarcasm here). Ugh, so that's the vacuous world of advertising, or perhaps work politics in general. Now I feel depressed and cheap. But speaking of cheap, I did find an amazing Indian place to eat the other night. You know you've hit gold when there is a massive pink chandelier hanging amongst neon lighting. Plus, I have now moved up to ordering the hot version of dishes. Mmmm, spicy lamb bhuna.
So I went to a party last night and it was so weird. It was like I was in Adelaide. Nothing about it felt like London other than the mandatory conversations you have with people from Australia when they are living here. Let me enlighten you with the standard set:
How long have you been over here for?
Where in OZ are you from?
Where are you living?
Where do you work?
How long are you staying?
Sometimes the odd social commentary about the weather and how hard it is to make friends with English people is thrown in for good measure. Now, I'm not criticising because it's normal to ask these questions. I too participate in these conversations, hell, I even ask some of the questions, but it makes me want to seriously cringe and perhaps perform some kind of head smacking when I catch myself doing it. I am in London, this unbelievable cosmopolitan city and I socialise with almost all Australians. This party I went to last night was like being in a weird Adelaide 90's time warp. I was talking to a guy I used to know in high school and his friend when I worked out that his friend and I knew the same people. He actually recognised me from a photo that one of his friends put on facebook. I moved to get away from this shit. To put things into perspective, it's not always like this and it is actually seriously difficult to make 'local' friends here. English people even admit this as most of their friends are from uni days rather than when they moved to London and made new ones. Why? I have no idea.
On the other hand, I shouldn't be so critical because how often do you make new friends in Australia or go in search of them? We too are cliquey amongst our circle of high school and uni buddies. It's always nice to make new friends but we are probably all guilty just liking the ones we have and not being bother to seek out or include others.
To give you an update on my enthusiasm, I've actually been 'visible' at work this week without selling my soul too much. It's seriously ridiculous that being paired up with someone makes it look like you talk more, are enthusiastic and are more ingrained in your work, but it's true. Because I have been walking around with my art director and not at my desk, it's perceived that I'm out there making advertising magic happen (please, please, please pick up on my sarcasm here). Ugh, so that's the vacuous world of advertising, or perhaps work politics in general. Now I feel depressed and cheap. But speaking of cheap, I did find an amazing Indian place to eat the other night. You know you've hit gold when there is a massive pink chandelier hanging amongst neon lighting. Plus, I have now moved up to ordering the hot version of dishes. Mmmm, spicy lamb bhuna.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Shit, it's July
Has it truly only been 7 months that I've been using predictive text messaging? I can't believe it. Why does life move so quickly? I'm trying to savor the occasional warm days (and maybe master how to spell occasional as it took me 5 goes), good hair days and laughing til I get cheek pain and it just refuses to slow down.
So I've just come back from New York. Man, I love that place. You know when you go somewhere and it just fits with you? I feel like that with both New York and Amsterdam. I could so imagine myself living there. Even with Americans. It made me realise how unfriendly the British are. I actually became friendlier as a result. Yes, believe it or not, I smiled and said have a nice day to one and all. Sure, it's all fake, but they are friendly. FRIENDLY. Now I am saying 'friendly' over and over in my head and it now sounds weird. Maybe I'll stop now. Friendly. Yep, still weird.
You know what - people keep on asking me what I did there and I have absolutely no idea. A few random things pop in mind like the couple in their 60's rowing a boat in Central Park having the time of their lives, a little boy eating a banana taking a shine to me and talking to this weird hippie lesbian chick in a vintage store in East Village. I'm really worried that I'm going to forget all these wonderful places I've been to. How do you hold onto memories? You can't photograph everything and even then, can you bring back some wonderful feeling or event you once had from a photo? I think with photos you get caught in the aesthetics of the moment rather than the emotion.
I'm now back at work with a semi new attitude. Well, one that sticks me though until I find a new job. I decided the other job wasn't for me. Even though it would be awesome, there's no point starting something I'm not that into just because I don't like where I am currently. Yes, this is VERY mature. Next I will actually start reading my bills properly.
I'm sitting cross legged on the floor of my room at the moment, staring out the window in kind of a musing, arty way. Have I told you about the view from my window? It's fantastic. For the most part, all you can see is sky, but the best bit is when the sun sets over the chimney tops of the neighbouring houses. It's seriously magical. I'm planning on climbing out of the window one night to watch the sunset from the roof. I may check with a more knowledgeable housemate regarding roof vs my body weight first.
So I've just come back from New York. Man, I love that place. You know when you go somewhere and it just fits with you? I feel like that with both New York and Amsterdam. I could so imagine myself living there. Even with Americans. It made me realise how unfriendly the British are. I actually became friendlier as a result. Yes, believe it or not, I smiled and said have a nice day to one and all. Sure, it's all fake, but they are friendly. FRIENDLY. Now I am saying 'friendly' over and over in my head and it now sounds weird. Maybe I'll stop now. Friendly. Yep, still weird.
You know what - people keep on asking me what I did there and I have absolutely no idea. A few random things pop in mind like the couple in their 60's rowing a boat in Central Park having the time of their lives, a little boy eating a banana taking a shine to me and talking to this weird hippie lesbian chick in a vintage store in East Village. I'm really worried that I'm going to forget all these wonderful places I've been to. How do you hold onto memories? You can't photograph everything and even then, can you bring back some wonderful feeling or event you once had from a photo? I think with photos you get caught in the aesthetics of the moment rather than the emotion.
I'm now back at work with a semi new attitude. Well, one that sticks me though until I find a new job. I decided the other job wasn't for me. Even though it would be awesome, there's no point starting something I'm not that into just because I don't like where I am currently. Yes, this is VERY mature. Next I will actually start reading my bills properly.
I'm sitting cross legged on the floor of my room at the moment, staring out the window in kind of a musing, arty way. Have I told you about the view from my window? It's fantastic. For the most part, all you can see is sky, but the best bit is when the sun sets over the chimney tops of the neighbouring houses. It's seriously magical. I'm planning on climbing out of the window one night to watch the sunset from the roof. I may check with a more knowledgeable housemate regarding roof vs my body weight first.
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