When is being you not ok?

At work.

Seriously.

I've been a bit miserable for the past week. But it's ok, it's character building or some other self help wank description I could potentially spurt out. Yes, I'm being totally melodramatic but let's wallow a little, because let's face it, this blog is all about me.

So Vanessa is not ok. Vanessa as a person that is. Yes, she who has been accused one too many times than she'd like to remember for not being smiley enough. This time, it's not some dumb ass drunk trying to be funny or the popular girl at school who just didn't get me - it's work. It's ironic really, being in a job where it's supposedly ok to be different, yet I'm being criticised for my lack of 'outward enthusiasm' rather than judged on my professional abilities.

Now, for all who know me, I'm not disillusioned enough to think I'm this bubbly little thang who loves bunnies and pink stuff, but I can't believe a job could make me feel so inadequate as a person. I've been told that despite being good at what I do, I'm actually in trouble for being anonymous, unenthusiastic, not taking it seriously and not featuring on the radar. Yes, they actually used the word 'radar'. Now, I'd just like to point out, I work in FUCKING ADVERTISING. Being told you are anonymous is as you may guess, not that nice. In fact, it's probably one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said about me. I don't want or need everyone to look at me nor do I want to be everyone's best friend. I'm ok with being out of the spotlight, but anonymous, sheesh, that's harsh. It kind of makes me feel like a nobody, unimportant and kind of worthless. But perhaps I'm being soft.

Anyway, it's ok, I'm 94% over it. I've had some pumping up by friends, did some 'take this you assholes' good work, am going to New York on Tuesday and can't actually be bothered being bothered by it anymore. And, it's not all bad. Apparently they do this to most people to kick them into gear, and do you know what? They're partly right. I don't care about what I do. It's vapid and wanky and at times the ridiculousness of it makes me grumpy. Admitedley, sometimes I enjoy my job because I love writing and can't believe I get paid to do it. I love being exposed to such talented illustrators, designers and photographers but to be forced to act like someone in order to keep my job is not ok. So I need to reassess because frankly, my attitude sucks and I hate being unhappy.

I think I may have another job offer on the table, but I don't know if that's what I want to do either....gah, life decisions. I prefer which holiday next type problems.

Hi

Hi life,

How are you? Kicking back poolside with the cocktails? I can imagine you drinking a slippery nipple with a yellow umbrella and purple stirrer. Yes life, that's soooo you.

As you know, I've been going along swimmingly. I've been loving life, been spoiled by amazing holidays, beautiful friends and family and have been packing as much into my life as humanly possible. And then, for some reason, you decide I need an arse smacking. Why? Can't you just leave me alone? Was I getting a little cocky? Too much attitude in the happy department perhaps. Life, thanks for reminding me I'm far away from people when they need me, that every so often you need to try a little harder and showering me in that wave of 'what do I do next?' that I could really do without.

Fine. Reality check ticked. Can we move on? Please?

Thanks.

Love,
Vanessa

Please explain

I think I need to set a few things straight as I have received some emails/comments/phone calls re 'if everything is ok'.

Yes, everything is fine.

You stop talking about food and suddenly you're having a life crisis. I totally appreciate the concern though.

So let me just stress a few points;

I'm not going through a life crisis
I'm not unhappy
I do not feel like a failure
My mum still loves me despite me using her for creative purposes in many stories
I may or may not get married one day
I may or may not push a child through my birth canal
I will most likely buy some kind of property in the next 20 years
I'm not obese yet
I still like poo jokes/stories

Um, I think that's it. Did I miss anything?